Right in the Ruins

Right in the Ruins

This time of year can be so hard. There’s so much to be thankful for. I was thinking the other day when a terrible date rolled around for year 2. A friend was tragically killed at Christmas leaving his family, his 3 boys fatherless. It was senseless and sickening. It’s hard to process. It leaves everyone’s heart so sick. I don’t write this with only this in mind, but it definitely makes me get away and spend time with God for where I am and where I know many others are. Maybe it’s winter. Maybe it’s lament. But whatever we call it, I know it’s important to stop and listen. 

What should be a sweet season often isn’t. But with a little positivity we can continue to fight the good fight of faith. Faith because Jesus came. There’s something about faith even in devastation that proclaims hope. This has been a hard season. One of promise that feels like things were just ripped away. Or maybe we were just told to wait and be disciplined. There are layers to shed here. There’s a cloak of heaviness that needs to be left. There’s something in the air just typing that frees the spirit and says, “I can do this. But not alone.” 

So here I sit reflecting on ruins. Several years ago, Jody and I got to travel to visit Samira and Max. We took a quick trip to Italy and found our last day trip ending at Pompeii before our last night in Rome. There is something powerful and incredible about ruins. Honestly, I found it my least favorite stop of the day, having seen the Amalfi coast, Sorrento, and Positano. But restless as I was, I stopped to ask, what do you want to teach me here? Among the rubble, ash, and defeat, there was a spirit of persistence and calm. Yes of emptiness, but still something else lingered strong. As I press into that “something” a little more, I’m left asking, “What are you? What are you saying? God, was is that?” 

Even in a city destroyed, not a soul survived, RUINS speak. They tell a story of lives lived. Preserved, especially there. Last moments, cruel. But those ruins still told a story of a time when things were pretty simple. There was order and organization to their day. There were little things that we can see that were even humorous about how they lived in the markings. There was art, there was a grocery store, a kitchen, and a toilet. J

These lessons for present day can be really powerful when we take the time to reflect on what we can learn. Ruins call forth something in our human spirit to survive.  To breathe VICTORY in the face of defeat and say, “NO. I will rise.” Ruins teach us that the price has been paid. Right now may be crushing. Right now may need some relief. Right now will turn into joy and laughter again and the weight will be gone. We can learn a lot from the ruins. From Ruins, of plans, of schemes, of intercession, we can see that people did not want Jesus to die. An ear was cut off, Judas betrayed with a kiss, Jesus prayed take this cup from me. But in ruin, He carried the cross and climbed the hill. He bore the weight. He hung there, ridiculed, pierced, and died. He took the worst separation and loneliness from God to do this. He took the weight of sin. He ruined himself for us. Willingly knowing that God’s will was better. God’s grace was more generous than anything we will ever encounter. There was NEVER a day that the earth knew such devastation than to think that Jesus was no more. Jesus was in the grave and hope was gone. That would have been a crushing morning. That would have been a devastation where breathing was hard. I’ve been there before. I remember vividly when Jody was in the hospital the night after his accident. I woke barely able to breathe. Lord, did he make it? Is he ok, is he alive? Even being unsure, there’s such a comfort knowing that Jesus is in complete control. But those were crushing thoughts that morning and many to come. The only way you battle is one foot in front of the other, knowing that God will be there in the moments ahead, regardless of who is.  (Can you stop right here and just say a special prayer for someone? Yes I’m going to stay evasive here and cliché. God already knows and I know what I ask. You don’t need details to pray for someone. Can you pray a Paul like moment of love and grace?) 

If you feel a wrestling in your spirit as you read this, I ask you to just stop again. Stop trying to process your ruin. Or Ruin at all. Just let it go. Our mind and spirit can only handle so much. Our neurologic system is strong, but there’s a point when emotional processing goes into overdrive and begins to make us sick. That’s how fear works. Don’t believe me. Chronic muscle tension, headaches, inability to take a breath or feel the weight release are all just a FEW signs that your processing is housing and settling somewhere in the body it shouldn’t. We have to connect with the ruins to process and let them go. Letting them go doesn’t mean we forget them. It doesn’t mean we get to drop them and stop carrying them for others. It means we process whatever RUIN we have come to know. It means we process the pain, process the weight and come to the end of ourselves and say, “Jesus oh! I cannot anymore. It’s too heavy. It makes no sense. It’s too much.” When we do this, we will find His strength is there to lift this yoke. To bear the weight of ruin and teach us what we need to learn from it. Ruins do become part of us. But if we carry them properly, without the crushing weight that they are, they will make Him shine through the cracks and transform into the beautiful art and history that they were meant to be. They are never even fun. They are never thought of without sorrow and sometimes lament. But the lessons, the tears, the pain, and the season declares, I am a child of God. I’m so glad I don’t have to walk through this alone. His presence is the only way we make it. Jesus was ruined for us. His ruins rose. They give us VICTORY in our defeat and call us to RISE when we cannot. 

The Older I Get

Hello adulthood. I have arrived. But yes its truly overrated. I’m just a big kid who just wants to have fun. (Cue playlist…) So this is what it feels like. To be old enough to know that with each passing year, it’s truly just a GIFT to be together. To unplug. To be. To Breathe their childhood in because it is quickly slipping away. Christmas season is by FAR my favorite! I was married this time of year. I had an aunt with 3 stories FULL of Christmas décor you could roll in all year. There’s just nothing better than the red, green, and white to come together to make things bright. 

Maybe this year was a little sweeter getting to see NYC. That city is so special and the trees, the parks, the lights, the ice, the skates, the sounds of the streets, Saks display, and the Tree of all trees. It’s so sweet to spend some time there and if you’ve never been, it deserves to be at the TOP of your list if Christmas is a favorite like mine. My husband may love this season more than me, but I’ll compete on that the rest of my life. It’s time to go back to that sweet place someday, but for now we will live in what’s bigger in Texas. 

This year A-town has been particularly sweet and spicy for all the holiday cheer. From Winter light fest, to Denton Valley Farms, to the Zoo, there are Plenty of hometown activities to get to. We love zipping down the road to Gaylord to see ICE! It’s a fun displaying of artistic craftmanship like none other. Artist travel the globe from China to create this display every year. This year it’s the Peanuts and a Charlie Brown Christmas! Last year was Rudolph and I have to say, my favorite until they do FROZEN! Childhood rushes back watching the rickety movements of old animation tell a story we’ve all seen over and over. Ice skating is always a favorite and we just don’t get to do that often enough. A-town needs a rink! I guess you could say I left it all on the Ice without falling. I’m reminded of muscles that needed toning and working. Skating really makes you access parts of patterns that should be part of regular exercise! Good stuff. Good sore! 

As we relaxed tonight, popped popcorn, gorged ourselves from the land of whirly-swirly gumdrops and sugar galore, I knew our decision to stay in Texas was right. In Reece’s words and tears, “I just want to be home and do ALL of our traditions.”  (Yes child, NYC can totally wait! Thank goodness you had NO idea….so let’s keep it that way!) That’s my girl. Sentimental and golden. Our traditions. My goodness. That brought it home. The older I get, I don’t need anything under the tree. I don’t need junk that collects dust and gets tossed into a pile. There’s nothing more that I want than to be with these sweet people and concentrate on family this season. They are growing up.  I’m thankful they love our traditions, however small they are. They are ours. And at Christmas that reminds us to tell the greatest story of all. The birth of Jesus. The coming of the King. The baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manager. 

May you find your heart full this season as we celebrate the birth of the King! 

Friday Night Lights

Yes, it's that time of year again. Plenty to time on the turf and single parent season has commenced. Thankfully the latter is mild and weekends still do exist despite the season. It's a time to be revel in time at home and enjoying your space more and more. The kids are at a great age. Reece in middle school and Cale still grade school/intermediate. There is something crazy for me about trying to get to the games among the scramble of work, lessons, and beyond. Friday rolled around this week and I seriously wanted to end up at the game, but I know God must have had other plans.

We scrambled around town, ran several errands, ending up at Walmart for just 5 minutes too long only to get stuck in the timely torrential downpour right as we checked out. A slew of customers began to gather inside the dual set of sliding doors, just watching as the rain beat down. Let's just say it was a total pant soaker. Those that ran inside from their cars were drenched, hair sopping, with little on them left dry. After 10 minutes, I just looked at the kids, threw on (thankfully) the jacket I had and told them to grab an arm. We made it in the same shape everyone else did. Scrub pants stuck to my legs, socks and shoes soaked halfway through, the purchases we just walked out with drenched as well. So much for plans, I thought and drove home to change and seek something dry. A friend was playing at Sharon's so I definitely thought the change of weather was welcome because I knew that there was more in the cards. After a simple change and savoring a few moments to read and let the kids relax, we went to listen to a 2 hour set. It was fabulous and welcome. I love the smell of bbq, the sound of soft rain, and live music. The kids agreed that was the best way to spend the night too. Reece even thinks that she needs to sing with the band for a song the next go-round. :)

Bellies full, heads whirling from great conversation, and hearts warmed by music and friendships, we headed home. It was a very simple Texas night. Loads of laundry waited and a sink full of dishes was calling. We started a Redbox movie and I went to town on the sink. There's something comforting about hand washing dishes and just getting it done. Nothing to unload later on. Dishes are something I do with my dad when we go visit him. It's time to ourselves and I love that time so much. Tonight it just feels honoring to wash and pray for him and wonder what he did with his day. There's so many things I want to say, but the time and day got away again and I know he's asleep.

Cleaning and laundry went late into the night. I waited on the text from Jody that says, Leaving, I'm driving. And then the one that says, At the high school, a few hours later. It means he's home with the team and off the road and my heart can settle in for the night. That is after the laundry is folded, towels are put away, and we are prepped and ready for a peaceful Saturday. These are sometimes my Friday night lights. Bringing him home when he's been out on the road with the team. Knowing he's safe and sound and has a clean house and heart to come home to. There's really nothing sweeter than these days and nights. Even the ones that bring a tiny amount of dread seem to disappear into the night when you clean, study, and spend time talking to God. I'm so grateful for this season stadium or home. Brought to you by football and Friday night lights from this coach's wife.

Just a few pictures. Top is my favorite of Jody with several Bulldogs. Scrolling is Cale with his Senior bulldog (YAY for year #2 with this great kid!). Lunches with the kids and sandwich between Cale's venture at catching a lizard on the back porch. Tiny but quick! 

Never

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever told you 18 years ago that I would have the conversation I had tonight. Reece was tired from the fair last night and wanted to stay home from normal Wednesday youth. Yes youth. Crazy parents I know. It goes TOO FAST!  Hold on, lay down at night with them, take them for that coke they want to grab with you, paint toenails, and throw baseballs and softballs. Let them try out for whatever they want. It will go in the blink of an eye and you will be alone wondering what happened to the time. How. I'm already there.

Back to the conversation. :)
Reece ran with me to Market Street tonight grabbing groceries for the week. In the middle of the pasta, yogurt, and cream soda, she asked me something I never thought she was old enough to comprehend. (They tend to grow up overnight!)
Reece: "Mom. Can I ask you something?"
Me: "Sure thing."
Reece: "Do you remember where you were?"
Me: (thinking: yes. I answered this today on Jon Mark Hester's fb page. Anyone from Wayland remembers exactly where we were and what we were doing. We remember how we felt and the minute everything seemed to be collapsing around us.)   "I do remember. I was in biology class. Taking a test. The professor came in and turned the TV on and said you'll want to see this. We watched the headlines and smoking tower. Then he turned the TV off and said, Try to finish your exam and you can go. I went back to my dorm, Owen, with the other girls and waited for news in the lobby. It was a scary and uncertain day."
Reece: "Were you scared? I mean things like Pearl Harbor have happened. It's crazy."
Me: "Yes fear is always part of it. But I remember what we did as a campus that night. We gathered in the auditorium and prayed. We were on our faces asking God for peace. For control of air space. For Him to protect us all in the days ahead. We understood God already knew the future and He was the only one who could give us answers that day. And any day. You know that you can ask him anything? You know that He loves you right?"
Reece: "Yes. Mom how could you ever forgive someone for something like that? I watched a video today. A lady was on the plane that went down and she called her husband. She said they were fighting them off and taking down the plane. And to tell the boys she loved them. It was so sad mom!"
Me: (She got me there. Choking. Crying.) "Reece that is so sad. It's terrible. So many people lost their whole life that day. A day we should never forget. A day we remember to honor people and what honor and respect looks like.We must never forget no matter how much time passes. 16 firefighters who died that day. Their children became firefighters this year. They will never forget. That's what honor looks like."
Reece: "I know mom. But how to do you forgive someone for that?"
Me: "That may take time. We are not God. But that's what God asks us to do. To forgive. To not make ourselves sick with angry and bitterness and hate. To see the good in the bad. To find the light in the darkness. To be the light. To never let evil win out. Because of Jesus, it doesn't. Ever. Never forget that."


I was impressed she had the awareness to ask.

And right there, unplanned. We had church in the car. Jesus was present and real and made something tangible. She saw the tears and how much one remembers. She heard a lady's testimony in her final call and she woke up a little more to the world around her. She began to understand more that it doesn't revolve around her. Pain is real. But Jesus is very alive. That she knows. Talk to your kids this year. These stories are important to be told. They need us to lay busy down and hold their hand and pour into their hearts.