Right in the Ruins

Right in the Ruins

This time of year can be so hard. There’s so much to be thankful for. I was thinking the other day when a terrible date rolled around for year 2. A friend was tragically killed at Christmas leaving his family, his 3 boys fatherless. It was senseless and sickening. It’s hard to process. It leaves everyone’s heart so sick. I don’t write this with only this in mind, but it definitely makes me get away and spend time with God for where I am and where I know many others are. Maybe it’s winter. Maybe it’s lament. But whatever we call it, I know it’s important to stop and listen. 

What should be a sweet season often isn’t. But with a little positivity we can continue to fight the good fight of faith. Faith because Jesus came. There’s something about faith even in devastation that proclaims hope. This has been a hard season. One of promise that feels like things were just ripped away. Or maybe we were just told to wait and be disciplined. There are layers to shed here. There’s a cloak of heaviness that needs to be left. There’s something in the air just typing that frees the spirit and says, “I can do this. But not alone.” 

So here I sit reflecting on ruins. Several years ago, Jody and I got to travel to visit Samira and Max. We took a quick trip to Italy and found our last day trip ending at Pompeii before our last night in Rome. There is something powerful and incredible about ruins. Honestly, I found it my least favorite stop of the day, having seen the Amalfi coast, Sorrento, and Positano. But restless as I was, I stopped to ask, what do you want to teach me here? Among the rubble, ash, and defeat, there was a spirit of persistence and calm. Yes of emptiness, but still something else lingered strong. As I press into that “something” a little more, I’m left asking, “What are you? What are you saying? God, was is that?” 

Even in a city destroyed, not a soul survived, RUINS speak. They tell a story of lives lived. Preserved, especially there. Last moments, cruel. But those ruins still told a story of a time when things were pretty simple. There was order and organization to their day. There were little things that we can see that were even humorous about how they lived in the markings. There was art, there was a grocery store, a kitchen, and a toilet. J

These lessons for present day can be really powerful when we take the time to reflect on what we can learn. Ruins call forth something in our human spirit to survive.  To breathe VICTORY in the face of defeat and say, “NO. I will rise.” Ruins teach us that the price has been paid. Right now may be crushing. Right now may need some relief. Right now will turn into joy and laughter again and the weight will be gone. We can learn a lot from the ruins. From Ruins, of plans, of schemes, of intercession, we can see that people did not want Jesus to die. An ear was cut off, Judas betrayed with a kiss, Jesus prayed take this cup from me. But in ruin, He carried the cross and climbed the hill. He bore the weight. He hung there, ridiculed, pierced, and died. He took the worst separation and loneliness from God to do this. He took the weight of sin. He ruined himself for us. Willingly knowing that God’s will was better. God’s grace was more generous than anything we will ever encounter. There was NEVER a day that the earth knew such devastation than to think that Jesus was no more. Jesus was in the grave and hope was gone. That would have been a crushing morning. That would have been a devastation where breathing was hard. I’ve been there before. I remember vividly when Jody was in the hospital the night after his accident. I woke barely able to breathe. Lord, did he make it? Is he ok, is he alive? Even being unsure, there’s such a comfort knowing that Jesus is in complete control. But those were crushing thoughts that morning and many to come. The only way you battle is one foot in front of the other, knowing that God will be there in the moments ahead, regardless of who is.  (Can you stop right here and just say a special prayer for someone? Yes I’m going to stay evasive here and cliché. God already knows and I know what I ask. You don’t need details to pray for someone. Can you pray a Paul like moment of love and grace?) 

If you feel a wrestling in your spirit as you read this, I ask you to just stop again. Stop trying to process your ruin. Or Ruin at all. Just let it go. Our mind and spirit can only handle so much. Our neurologic system is strong, but there’s a point when emotional processing goes into overdrive and begins to make us sick. That’s how fear works. Don’t believe me. Chronic muscle tension, headaches, inability to take a breath or feel the weight release are all just a FEW signs that your processing is housing and settling somewhere in the body it shouldn’t. We have to connect with the ruins to process and let them go. Letting them go doesn’t mean we forget them. It doesn’t mean we get to drop them and stop carrying them for others. It means we process whatever RUIN we have come to know. It means we process the pain, process the weight and come to the end of ourselves and say, “Jesus oh! I cannot anymore. It’s too heavy. It makes no sense. It’s too much.” When we do this, we will find His strength is there to lift this yoke. To bear the weight of ruin and teach us what we need to learn from it. Ruins do become part of us. But if we carry them properly, without the crushing weight that they are, they will make Him shine through the cracks and transform into the beautiful art and history that they were meant to be. They are never even fun. They are never thought of without sorrow and sometimes lament. But the lessons, the tears, the pain, and the season declares, I am a child of God. I’m so glad I don’t have to walk through this alone. His presence is the only way we make it. Jesus was ruined for us. His ruins rose. They give us VICTORY in our defeat and call us to RISE when we cannot. 

The Older I Get

Hello adulthood. I have arrived. But yes its truly overrated. I’m just a big kid who just wants to have fun. (Cue playlist…) So this is what it feels like. To be old enough to know that with each passing year, it’s truly just a GIFT to be together. To unplug. To be. To Breathe their childhood in because it is quickly slipping away. Christmas season is by FAR my favorite! I was married this time of year. I had an aunt with 3 stories FULL of Christmas décor you could roll in all year. There’s just nothing better than the red, green, and white to come together to make things bright. 

Maybe this year was a little sweeter getting to see NYC. That city is so special and the trees, the parks, the lights, the ice, the skates, the sounds of the streets, Saks display, and the Tree of all trees. It’s so sweet to spend some time there and if you’ve never been, it deserves to be at the TOP of your list if Christmas is a favorite like mine. My husband may love this season more than me, but I’ll compete on that the rest of my life. It’s time to go back to that sweet place someday, but for now we will live in what’s bigger in Texas. 

This year A-town has been particularly sweet and spicy for all the holiday cheer. From Winter light fest, to Denton Valley Farms, to the Zoo, there are Plenty of hometown activities to get to. We love zipping down the road to Gaylord to see ICE! It’s a fun displaying of artistic craftmanship like none other. Artist travel the globe from China to create this display every year. This year it’s the Peanuts and a Charlie Brown Christmas! Last year was Rudolph and I have to say, my favorite until they do FROZEN! Childhood rushes back watching the rickety movements of old animation tell a story we’ve all seen over and over. Ice skating is always a favorite and we just don’t get to do that often enough. A-town needs a rink! I guess you could say I left it all on the Ice without falling. I’m reminded of muscles that needed toning and working. Skating really makes you access parts of patterns that should be part of regular exercise! Good stuff. Good sore! 

As we relaxed tonight, popped popcorn, gorged ourselves from the land of whirly-swirly gumdrops and sugar galore, I knew our decision to stay in Texas was right. In Reece’s words and tears, “I just want to be home and do ALL of our traditions.”  (Yes child, NYC can totally wait! Thank goodness you had NO idea….so let’s keep it that way!) That’s my girl. Sentimental and golden. Our traditions. My goodness. That brought it home. The older I get, I don’t need anything under the tree. I don’t need junk that collects dust and gets tossed into a pile. There’s nothing more that I want than to be with these sweet people and concentrate on family this season. They are growing up.  I’m thankful they love our traditions, however small they are. They are ours. And at Christmas that reminds us to tell the greatest story of all. The birth of Jesus. The coming of the King. The baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manager. 

May you find your heart full this season as we celebrate the birth of the King! 

Friday Night Lights

Yes, it's that time of year again. Plenty to time on the turf and single parent season has commenced. Thankfully the latter is mild and weekends still do exist despite the season. It's a time to be revel in time at home and enjoying your space more and more. The kids are at a great age. Reece in middle school and Cale still grade school/intermediate. There is something crazy for me about trying to get to the games among the scramble of work, lessons, and beyond. Friday rolled around this week and I seriously wanted to end up at the game, but I know God must have had other plans.

We scrambled around town, ran several errands, ending up at Walmart for just 5 minutes too long only to get stuck in the timely torrential downpour right as we checked out. A slew of customers began to gather inside the dual set of sliding doors, just watching as the rain beat down. Let's just say it was a total pant soaker. Those that ran inside from their cars were drenched, hair sopping, with little on them left dry. After 10 minutes, I just looked at the kids, threw on (thankfully) the jacket I had and told them to grab an arm. We made it in the same shape everyone else did. Scrub pants stuck to my legs, socks and shoes soaked halfway through, the purchases we just walked out with drenched as well. So much for plans, I thought and drove home to change and seek something dry. A friend was playing at Sharon's so I definitely thought the change of weather was welcome because I knew that there was more in the cards. After a simple change and savoring a few moments to read and let the kids relax, we went to listen to a 2 hour set. It was fabulous and welcome. I love the smell of bbq, the sound of soft rain, and live music. The kids agreed that was the best way to spend the night too. Reece even thinks that she needs to sing with the band for a song the next go-round. :)

Bellies full, heads whirling from great conversation, and hearts warmed by music and friendships, we headed home. It was a very simple Texas night. Loads of laundry waited and a sink full of dishes was calling. We started a Redbox movie and I went to town on the sink. There's something comforting about hand washing dishes and just getting it done. Nothing to unload later on. Dishes are something I do with my dad when we go visit him. It's time to ourselves and I love that time so much. Tonight it just feels honoring to wash and pray for him and wonder what he did with his day. There's so many things I want to say, but the time and day got away again and I know he's asleep.

Cleaning and laundry went late into the night. I waited on the text from Jody that says, Leaving, I'm driving. And then the one that says, At the high school, a few hours later. It means he's home with the team and off the road and my heart can settle in for the night. That is after the laundry is folded, towels are put away, and we are prepped and ready for a peaceful Saturday. These are sometimes my Friday night lights. Bringing him home when he's been out on the road with the team. Knowing he's safe and sound and has a clean house and heart to come home to. There's really nothing sweeter than these days and nights. Even the ones that bring a tiny amount of dread seem to disappear into the night when you clean, study, and spend time talking to God. I'm so grateful for this season stadium or home. Brought to you by football and Friday night lights from this coach's wife.

Just a few pictures. Top is my favorite of Jody with several Bulldogs. Scrolling is Cale with his Senior bulldog (YAY for year #2 with this great kid!). Lunches with the kids and sandwich between Cale's venture at catching a lizard on the back porch. Tiny but quick! 

Never

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever told you 18 years ago that I would have the conversation I had tonight. Reece was tired from the fair last night and wanted to stay home from normal Wednesday youth. Yes youth. Crazy parents I know. It goes TOO FAST!  Hold on, lay down at night with them, take them for that coke they want to grab with you, paint toenails, and throw baseballs and softballs. Let them try out for whatever they want. It will go in the blink of an eye and you will be alone wondering what happened to the time. How. I'm already there.

Back to the conversation. :)
Reece ran with me to Market Street tonight grabbing groceries for the week. In the middle of the pasta, yogurt, and cream soda, she asked me something I never thought she was old enough to comprehend. (They tend to grow up overnight!)
Reece: "Mom. Can I ask you something?"
Me: "Sure thing."
Reece: "Do you remember where you were?"
Me: (thinking: yes. I answered this today on Jon Mark Hester's fb page. Anyone from Wayland remembers exactly where we were and what we were doing. We remember how we felt and the minute everything seemed to be collapsing around us.)   "I do remember. I was in biology class. Taking a test. The professor came in and turned the TV on and said you'll want to see this. We watched the headlines and smoking tower. Then he turned the TV off and said, Try to finish your exam and you can go. I went back to my dorm, Owen, with the other girls and waited for news in the lobby. It was a scary and uncertain day."
Reece: "Were you scared? I mean things like Pearl Harbor have happened. It's crazy."
Me: "Yes fear is always part of it. But I remember what we did as a campus that night. We gathered in the auditorium and prayed. We were on our faces asking God for peace. For control of air space. For Him to protect us all in the days ahead. We understood God already knew the future and He was the only one who could give us answers that day. And any day. You know that you can ask him anything? You know that He loves you right?"
Reece: "Yes. Mom how could you ever forgive someone for something like that? I watched a video today. A lady was on the plane that went down and she called her husband. She said they were fighting them off and taking down the plane. And to tell the boys she loved them. It was so sad mom!"
Me: (She got me there. Choking. Crying.) "Reece that is so sad. It's terrible. So many people lost their whole life that day. A day we should never forget. A day we remember to honor people and what honor and respect looks like.We must never forget no matter how much time passes. 16 firefighters who died that day. Their children became firefighters this year. They will never forget. That's what honor looks like."
Reece: "I know mom. But how to do you forgive someone for that?"
Me: "That may take time. We are not God. But that's what God asks us to do. To forgive. To not make ourselves sick with angry and bitterness and hate. To see the good in the bad. To find the light in the darkness. To be the light. To never let evil win out. Because of Jesus, it doesn't. Ever. Never forget that."


I was impressed she had the awareness to ask.

And right there, unplanned. We had church in the car. Jesus was present and real and made something tangible. She saw the tears and how much one remembers. She heard a lady's testimony in her final call and she woke up a little more to the world around her. She began to understand more that it doesn't revolve around her. Pain is real. But Jesus is very alive. That she knows. Talk to your kids this year. These stories are important to be told. They need us to lay busy down and hold their hand and pour into their hearts.

This Christmas I just want Rewind

Grief overwhelms. Sadness overtakes. There is a loss hanging in the air that I just cannot shake. A void that only the Father can fill. 

I wanted a different thought to run through my head this morning on Christmas, but 3 little men and a mom were on my heart. I wanted thrills of Christmas instead of ache and heaviness and Lord knows so did they. I had questions God alone can answer. Prayers keep going up that don’t seem big enough. They keep coming like waves. Waves of grief. Waves of questions. Waves of laughter. Waves of why. Like the song, Wave after wave. Washes over me, washes over me. I’m not alone in this. From the magnitude of posts, I'm one of many.  School makes you family. Wayland makes you family.

Scrolling through facebook today just left me hurting and helpless to overcome it on my own. I found myself having to stop the cooking and cleaning, scrambling to get ready for our bunch to come gather at our house tonight. I literally just stopped because I couldn't keep going over this. ~There’s a comfort I’ve come to know. Though this heart and flesh may fail. There’s an anchor for my soul.~  When I know nothing else, Jesus is enough. When my head can no longer wrap around this world, my head can rest to know Jesus came. He lived, he died and rose again. And he is coming back. There’s not a single thing that makes sense the last few days except the realness of Jesus. There’s no question I can’t ask Him. He will answer me. When my thoughts become a storm, He is faithful to respond back before I’m done with His Words and thoughts. There’s not a thought He doesn’t see roll through my mind. He gets our struggle because he became flesh and lived among us. His Spirit is here with us and can handle whatever we ask. His Spirit can handle, if only we take them all to Him. 

Here’s what I know when lately it seems like I know nothing. There is nothing that God cannot handle. Our mind is safest with him. For the Lord orders our steps. We make plans, but He alone has charge over them. When I’m clinging tightly to plans I feel the grip release to Him, knowing that He knows what is best. He sees the whole picture. It may not be mine, but He knows how it all works out. Jesus understood grief. He wept over Lazarus. I picture this as a beautiful ugly cry. Much like a cry I felt coming out Friday when I didn’t know it would be there. It was ugly in dark of the theatre as I blinked at my phone. Furiously texting to friends over a clip and post. What?! How could this ever be? I shook sitting in the seat, thankful that it reclined. I balled up and squeezed my eyes tight. No no no!  If we could just go back to 7:40 this morning. None of this would ever be. My sweet Jody just held my hand and asked if we needed to leave. He read the news in disbelief and knew my thoughts. Nope. I doubt I could make the descent from the top through the tears without having a fun trip down. I’m better off here. God will quite my tears. But oh the boys. I just shook. We both ached for the people in Landon’s life. There’s no way. This isn’t real. Please make the headline go away. Please rewind.

(I woke at 7:50 that morning from a hard sleep. Odd because I was off work that I couldn't sleep in more. Ok Lord, why I am awake. I wanted to sleep. I found myself praying for him and the boys. I hadn't seen a post in a while, but for some reason God put him on my heart in that moment. Random but very, very real. I had an odd fear that I couldn't shake. Only the Holy Spirit can give us that thought to pray for someone AND tell us the right thing to do with it when it feel out of place AND not be distracted and overwhelmed by fear. I prayed and prayed and couldn't shake it. I rolled over at 8:08 and scrolled through Facebook feeds from everyone. I stopped on Landon's goofy picture of him in his sweater ready for the boys Christmas party. Oh goodness that's a shirt! I laughed it off, prayed some more for them and set my phone down for what would be the morning until the theatre.)

I was there that sweet day that he and Michelle wed. There was never a guy with a bigger grin. That grin didn’t fade, but only grew with each birth of the boys. They were the whole world. I can’t shake that their world is shattered and one of their greatest figures is lost. The thought keeps me coming back and doing the one thing I know that God will keep on my heart. Praying and praying still. For Michelle and for the boys. For his family and friends. Heaviness for the heart was never a light load. But it was not our heaviness to carry alone.  There’s a saying in therapy that goes something like this. “No organ (heart, liver, lung, etc) was ever meant to be the bearer or receptacle for emotions. If we house them, they will end up somewhere and imbalance and disease starts. The mind is the only place that can process emotions.” I’ll add to that. Created in God’s image….God is the only one that can possibly help us process through emotions like grief, anger, helplessness, regret, and the unknown. He helps us in our stuck-ness and immovable nature when he has to. So as we grieve the loss, let us process all of these feelings at the foot of the cross, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to process through it ALL. Knowing we cannot handle all the answers, but God’s word will be sufficient. Hidden in our hearts, squeezed under pressure, now it bubbles to the top. Let us not perseverate (process to an unhealthy degree, fixing on one thing, and getting hung up on something, finding no resolve, but rather finding yourself stuck).

LET US FIX our eyes (heart and minds/thoughts) on Jesus. Author and PERFECTOR of our FAITH. It is going to take faith for his family and boys to keep going. Let us PRAY as a body of believers that we are. Pray like the body I grew up with at Wayland. God scattered us when our time there collective was done. But as a body we join together, hammering heaven with our prayers. God hears us.  God help us work through these emotions. Let us not become subjects of our emotions, but rather VESSELS to hear and be used by you alone God.

Pray for Landon’s family, friends, his crew. He would want that from us, not for him, but for his boys!

______________________________________________________________________________

TO Caden, Colton, and Cannon:

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but if you do…. Feel the prayers being prayed over you. Feel the Lord wrap His loving arms around you. Take your sadness to Jesus. He hears you and has never ever left you. Your dad would want you to remember that Jesus is the MOST precious, perfect decision that you will ever make. Caden, remember your mom and dad prayed this prayer with you to accept Jesus. (Your mom was so excited and shared this with her friends.) You have to lead now but lead your brothers with Jesus as your guide. He will help you and keep you on the right path. Remember that you are never alone. Remember the things your dad taught you. Remember the lessons he gave you in baseball. Do not store up hatred and anger. Get rid of it. None of it is worth holding and it won’t make it easier. Swing it away. Swing hard. Fight the good fight of FAITH. Keeping playing ball because that would make your dad so proud and you know it. He will be your biggest fan and has the best view. Keep your eyes open—you have the biggest angel in the outfield now! Colton and Cannon—keep smiling that big smile that your dad always had on his face. Keep believing, following Jesus, worshipping Jesus when you don't know what else to do, and one day you will see your dad again. 

Oh the Places I Might Go: 9/11 Reflections

I sat at home today. When I closed my eyes after scrolling through FB, I realized the significance of today. I should not be sitting on my back porch at this moment. I should be in Greece, or Florence supporting my friends, or in Puerto Rico hearing my mentors and seeing a dear sister. But for some reason, I’m home. I said no to Greece because, well it was a “me time” trip and I just don’t take those. If conference or CEU is not part of it, I say no, because well for me I just don’t do that anymore. I feel sort of guilty if I'm away not bettering myself for my patients. As a mom, I feel like I can’t. As a full-time therapist, I don’t see how I can and leave the patients "for that many days." And it just doesn’t come out economically to take a fun, me trip anymore. What I’m NOT saying about Greece, is that it was a retreat. God time, not just me time. And I know sitting on my porch I should not have said NO to that, especially for pete’s sake…it was in GREECE! The one place over seas I have ALWAYS wanted to go. The one place that calls to me from the pictures of White and Blue mountainside and sea. I’ll go next year I hope. But today I know I could be there instead of here.

I said no to Florence with fleeting thought. Wanting to, but knowing other commitments hold me here. I’ll see it someday. Deadlines loom and call. And that again is why I’m here. That is why I'm off today. 

Puerto Rico. Well….IRMA. God has a funny way of showing me exactly where He wants me. And sometimes making it REALLY obvious. I should be flying out today to beautiful San Juan but here I sit. I’ve always wanted to go there. My dad used to travel to PR often, during his plant research and agronomy days. He cared for crops there and went for 2 weeks each time. Came back with stories of beauty and trinkets for us. And even a funny one of a snake crawling out of the sink while he talked to us one night.  I’ll go someday, just not today.

So here I sit. Breathing in the beauty of my back porch, my sweet place. Calling to God asking what He has JUST FOR ME. Begging Him to not let me miss His blessings, like I sort of feel today. I know that I haven’t, but appearance wise it might look and sound that way. I’m thankful to be alone, in the quiet, breathing in His presence, sitting in His sweetness knowing I have a FULL DAY of task ahead. Knowing I get to create, study, splice, and conquer the day ahead. I know I’m richer for it, but Lord give me your portion and strength to do a good job.

Here’s what I know. I know I’m in my own backyard for a reason. To hear Him speak again. 9/11 will always be a day I remember. Because the night before I was up until 3AM in the Owen lobby at Wayland Baptist University as an undergrad. I was praying, reading scripture, and then wrote Jody out a card. As I wrote, I re-read the front of the card: “God is MORE RELEVANT than this mornings headline." Gracious to remember that now! I dropped the card in campus mail and skipped to class. Jody ran up to me later that day, waving the card. “Did you read this? This is crazy! When did you buy that?” OH MY GOSH! "HE is MORE RELEVANT. Think of when you bought that and TODAY." 9/11/01.

As I scroll through the stories, pictures, and videos of 9/11 this morning, I’m still blown away. That card is the first thing I remember that 9/11 morning at 3AM reading that. Praying. Feeling overwhelmed as I read that in those early hours. Feeling so heavy, so burdened. Not knowing why but knowing all the same. Of course, to my horror and everyone else’s, the news showed pictures that no one wanted. Fear gripped and hearts sank beyond. WHAT ON EARTH is going on? That human spirit overwhelms me this morning. Seeing the video about Gander, Newfoundland was a first for me today. Hope given by a small town of 9 thousand, where NYC flights were diverted to and gained 6,500 more people that day. How people were loved by a town and hope was regained in grief, fear, sadness, and uncertainty. What a beautiful story! I'm praying for Houston, Port A, Dickinson, and all my Texas towns. Praying for Puerto Rico and FL, GA, and SC. Thankful that no terrorist created these, but knowing weather is brutally fierce and loss is overwhelming.

There is so much to learn from the rubble and ashes of 9/11. From any disaster. So much to make time for to be thankful for and reflect over TO REMEMBER. From these photos and memories, we each gain strength. From the blue beam photo below, we send light to the heavens and have HOPE. We gain PERSPECTIVE that each day is so very precious and we are never promised another day. It ultimately reminds me that my most important decision that was ever made was asking Jesus into my heart. There are no guarantees aside from HIM.

One more thing before I go. I feel these words are important:

Do not grieve the Spirit of God in who you were sealed until the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

Ephesians 4:30-31

Perspective is BEST gained by the Holy Spirit. The Spirit cannot be rushed, hurried, but is peaceful and brings healing. Healing that this Nation experienced 16 years ago. Healing that we need again. Read Genesis 1:2……Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

The Spirit always watches over, guides, provides, and checks on us. Always present and waiting. Hover with Him today a little longer. Wait on His presence. Let it FILL you up and give you wisdom. Wisdom we need to keep in step with the Spirit. I'm right where I'm supposed to be today. Thankful. Grateful. Filled. 

Love you friends! Have a blessed day!

Quote Inspiration
JOY cannot partner with grumbling. It must partner with FAITH to breathe LIFE!   MH