Reflecting

Time alone with God is always productive. Isolation time was very different. It was a knowing you are here for a purpose and you better get something really good out of this. You better listen up... I've got something to say to you. Something that only God can tell you. Reflecting back, my head was jumbled with so many things. Why I am here? Why did this happen? Why did anything have to be there? Why do I have to depend on medication regulation the rest of my life? I just wanted to use the time to de-clutter my thoughts and let God filter out the trash and hold onto more of him. That is so important to have time to do that and I feel with the daily hussle and bussle, I never have time anymore. REAL TIME to just loose track of time and not care. I'm sure that most of us feel like that. We have to prioritize. I have to do better. But that still has one word TOO many in it. Too much I....not enough God.
I realized this as I was trying to process everything that had happened to that point. It was the first break I had gone from diagnosis, to surgery, then after certification to really stop and process what had occurred. WOW. God did all that....brought me through it. I felt half drug-through with all the scrapes and bruises but in reality NO. I was fine. He brought me through literally on eagles wings. I had felt that so many times sitting on my back porch in my favorite swing....."Lord this is too much right now. You have to be kidding. I have this test I cannot handle anymore." His soft voice had reassured me so much....no you cannot handle it, but I can. I need you to move out of the way and just let me handle it. Let me move through you and you just move over. Well okay....that's easy enough when you felt pressed to the limit, like seriously...one more thing and I promise I may just crack. It is humbling to feel like you are clinging to the side of a cliff. Like one wrong move, one bad foothold and I'll crash and burn.
I found myself leaning back on the headboard of the bed. Sinking into the hard wood and finally feeling the relief, the release, the complex relax. There was nowhere else more precious to find yourself than leaning back and letting go of the "I, I, I have to hold this all together. I have to be strong. I have to be tough. I have to study harder. I have to be super mom and wife and PT." The relax, like you long for when you feel muscle soften like butter and the stress melt away, comes when you realize that "I" don't have to do anything but come to this point. The end of myself. And lean back and let go, and LET GOD. Such a fabulous saying but living it each time is another thing all together. It is a RELIEF to let God. It is good to be moved aside in whatever circumstance and feel that He has a bigger purpose for what you are going through. Or just came out of. Or you are about to go through. That's the way it usually works. My mother-in-law says it all the time: you have either just come out of it, about to go into it, or you are in it now. So very true. Use it Lord, because it is all in vain if you don't. Using it Lord, after all, is all for your glory and not for us to worry about making sense of it. Sure is nice when He shows us to remember HIS perspective.

GOD DOES, GOD CAN, and GOD WILL.