I guess sometimes my filter is silence. Call it great raisin' but I was always taught if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. That has been the safest thing lately. For 3 weeks I have had skin reactions so bad that I thought I would literally claw my skin off. Maybe its thyroid levels being high and then extremes low, treatment, or coming back on meds. Stress, hormone changes, treatments, overload. My body is just exhausted. When you itch that bad and every inch is covered in hives and redness and rash, there is not much left emotionally. This has been the bottom so my silence has been a good thing. I am sick of this. I am tired of not feeling like myself. There.... SAID IT. Posted it. Committed to the feeling instead of denying it.
Today did not give the answers that I wanted but I am still thankful. Thankful for my husband who stood up for me. Who went to visits with me that I dreaded. I have answers that I just have to wait for the skin to clear. Allergic reactions are fun especially went the cause is "unknown." Of course I have my list narrowed.
So I am once again reminded of my isolation time. God gave me time alone to FOCUS on his word. Throughout the new testament we are told over and over to persevere. Keep the faith. Do not give up, HE is coming back. PERSEVERE and do not forget that. When times are easy, do not forget that the LORD IS GOOD. When times confusing, DO not forget that the LORD endures. When times are ridiculous, God is still in the middle of them. When our world seems to be full of our own chaos, there is a bigger purpose and God's purpose is what matters more. These things should be our focus. He should be our filter FIRST. Not facebook, not even our blog. Not our best friend or spouse. God is my filter and Lord knows that I need to let Him filter more of me so that pure product pours our. Not dense, contaminated, selfishness but His compassion that helps us look beyond ourselves and our overwhelming situations. Focusing on Him allows us to take our eyes off ourselves. Focus on the things that last and persevere in doing the things that He tells us to. Filtering with His precious word and presence.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Reflecting
Time alone with God is always productive. Isolation time was very different. It was a knowing you are here for a purpose and you better get something really good out of this. You better listen up... I've got something to say to you. Something that only God can tell you. Reflecting back, my head was jumbled with so many things. Why I am here? Why did this happen? Why did anything have to be there? Why do I have to depend on medication regulation the rest of my life? I just wanted to use the time to de-clutter my thoughts and let God filter out the trash and hold onto more of him. That is so important to have time to do that and I feel with the daily hussle and bussle, I never have time anymore. REAL TIME to just loose track of time and not care. I'm sure that most of us feel like that. We have to prioritize. I have to do better. But that still has one word TOO many in it. Too much I....not enough God.
I realized this as I was trying to process everything that had happened to that point. It was the first break I had gone from diagnosis, to surgery, then after certification to really stop and process what had occurred. WOW. God did all that....brought me through it. I felt half drug-through with all the scrapes and bruises but in reality NO. I was fine. He brought me through literally on eagles wings. I had felt that so many times sitting on my back porch in my favorite swing....."Lord this is too much right now. You have to be kidding. I have this test I cannot handle anymore." His soft voice had reassured me so much....no you cannot handle it, but I can. I need you to move out of the way and just let me handle it. Let me move through you and you just move over. Well okay....that's easy enough when you felt pressed to the limit, like seriously...one more thing and I promise I may just crack. It is humbling to feel like you are clinging to the side of a cliff. Like one wrong move, one bad foothold and I'll crash and burn.
I found myself leaning back on the headboard of the bed. Sinking into the hard wood and finally feeling the relief, the release, the complex relax. There was nowhere else more precious to find yourself than leaning back and letting go of the "I, I, I have to hold this all together. I have to be strong. I have to be tough. I have to study harder. I have to be super mom and wife and PT." The relax, like you long for when you feel muscle soften like butter and the stress melt away, comes when you realize that "I" don't have to do anything but come to this point. The end of myself. And lean back and let go, and LET GOD. Such a fabulous saying but living it each time is another thing all together. It is a RELIEF to let God. It is good to be moved aside in whatever circumstance and feel that He has a bigger purpose for what you are going through. Or just came out of. Or you are about to go through. That's the way it usually works. My mother-in-law says it all the time: you have either just come out of it, about to go into it, or you are in it now. So very true. Use it Lord, because it is all in vain if you don't. Using it Lord, after all, is all for your glory and not for us to worry about making sense of it. Sure is nice when He shows us to remember HIS perspective.
GOD DOES, GOD CAN, and GOD WILL.
I realized this as I was trying to process everything that had happened to that point. It was the first break I had gone from diagnosis, to surgery, then after certification to really stop and process what had occurred. WOW. God did all that....brought me through it. I felt half drug-through with all the scrapes and bruises but in reality NO. I was fine. He brought me through literally on eagles wings. I had felt that so many times sitting on my back porch in my favorite swing....."Lord this is too much right now. You have to be kidding. I have this test I cannot handle anymore." His soft voice had reassured me so much....no you cannot handle it, but I can. I need you to move out of the way and just let me handle it. Let me move through you and you just move over. Well okay....that's easy enough when you felt pressed to the limit, like seriously...one more thing and I promise I may just crack. It is humbling to feel like you are clinging to the side of a cliff. Like one wrong move, one bad foothold and I'll crash and burn.
I found myself leaning back on the headboard of the bed. Sinking into the hard wood and finally feeling the relief, the release, the complex relax. There was nowhere else more precious to find yourself than leaning back and letting go of the "I, I, I have to hold this all together. I have to be strong. I have to be tough. I have to study harder. I have to be super mom and wife and PT." The relax, like you long for when you feel muscle soften like butter and the stress melt away, comes when you realize that "I" don't have to do anything but come to this point. The end of myself. And lean back and let go, and LET GOD. Such a fabulous saying but living it each time is another thing all together. It is a RELIEF to let God. It is good to be moved aside in whatever circumstance and feel that He has a bigger purpose for what you are going through. Or just came out of. Or you are about to go through. That's the way it usually works. My mother-in-law says it all the time: you have either just come out of it, about to go into it, or you are in it now. So very true. Use it Lord, because it is all in vain if you don't. Using it Lord, after all, is all for your glory and not for us to worry about making sense of it. Sure is nice when He shows us to remember HIS perspective.
GOD DOES, GOD CAN, and GOD WILL.
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